Humor quotes

The world's most deadly disease is 'hardening of the attitudes.'

Fewer people are bent from hard work than are crooked from avoiding it.

If you don't design your own life plan, chances are you'll fall into someone else's plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much.

If you have to eat two frogs, eat the ugliest one first.

Motivation is garbage.

The second person to write a story about a young boy and an escaped slave on the Mississippi wasn't a novelist, he was a typist.

Be sincere, be brief, be seated.

What counts is not necessarily the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.

It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours.

It's true hard work never killed anyone, but I figure, why take the chance?

For myself I am an optimist, it does not seem to be much use being anything else.

I am a leader by default, only because nature does not allow a vacuum.

Resentment and anger are bad for your blood pressure and your digestion.

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.

People ask me sometimes... 'When will there be enough women on the court?' And my answer is, 'When there are nine.'

Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater.

If A is success in life, then A = x + y + z. Work is x, play is y and z is keeping your mouth shut.

If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe.

Life would be tragic if it weren't funny.

So next time someone complains that you have made a mistake, tell him that may be a good thing. Because without imperfection, neither you nor I would exist.

Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, 'We've always done it this way.' I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise.

The universe is under no obligation to make sense to you.

In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.

Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.

The secret of being a bore is to tell everything.

Let us read, and let us dance; these two amusements will never do any harm to the world.

One of the symptoms of approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.

How absurd men are! They never use the liberties they have, they demand those they do not have.

It's more fun to be a pirate than to join the Navy.

You only find out who is swimming naked when the tide goes out.

In the business world, the rearview mirror is always clearer than the windshield.

Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is the probable reason why so few engage in it.

Any customer can have a car painted any color that he wants so long as it is black.

Laughter is America's most important export.

Always hold your sales meetings in rooms too small for the audience, even if it means holding them in the WC.

At 60 miles an hour the loudest noise in this new Rolls-Royce comes from the electric clock.

I became an entrepreneur by mistake.

Celebrate your successes. Find some humor in your failures. Don't take yourself so seriously.

I was an overnight success all right, but thirty years is a long, long night.

We have a strategic plan. It's called doing things.

Don't worry, be crappy.

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.

Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.

The report of my death was an exaggeration.

I can resist everything except temptation.

There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.

The truth is rarely pure and never simple.

Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about it.

Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them.

Another flaw in the human character is that everybody wants to build and nobody wants to do maintenance.

If Ali says a mosquito can pull a plow, don't ask how. Hitch him up.

If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm.

Get over yourself! 'Cause it's not about you, man.

You can observe a lot by watching.

If you don't know where you're going, you might not get there.

If the world were perfect, it wouldn't be.

I really didn't say everything I said.

I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills.

Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

It takes a lot of money to look this cheap.

There's great value in being able to step back and laugh at yourself, at life and at attitudes. Laughter helps you put everything into perspective.

When you trick people into laughing at themselves, that's wit. If you don't laugh at yourself, everything becomes heavy.